Bounce!

For the last two weeks, I essentially did two postings in one. With only one working ear, the other one discharging fluids, and did I mention my head is producing a constant ringing sound out of nowhere? There’s no big deal skipping classes more than a week in high school, but in medical school, a week is equivalent to a semester in high school. Plus, I am in my short postings where one posting lasts for only 2-3 weeks. I was admitted for more than a week, and by the time I get back to class my ophthalmology posting was ending and I have to go on with anaesthesiology. At first I thought of just going ‘the hell with it’, and repeat the whole semester. With constant headaches and vertigo, I even considered repeating the whole year! But I knew I’m better than that. I’ve been through some crazy things in life. Though nothing has been more painful than this (since the eardrum is one of the most innervated organs in our body, a perforated eardrum rated 9/10 on the pain scale, similar to having a heart attack, but of course less painful than giving childbirth), I can’t let this bring me down.

 

So I held on. Staying in the operating theatre learning anaesthesiology morning till evening, and continue with ophthalmology clinics till sunset, and continue writing case write ups for both postings at night. Filling log books for both postings, alternating between ophthalmology clinics looking into 20 pairs of eyes and presenting each one to the consultant, then enter the operating theater to observe spinal taps, dural taps and whatever else taps there is in this world. Then there's the mini clinical examination for ophthalmology and Basic Life Support examinations for anaesthesiology. Hell, I don’t even know how I did all those things in just two weeks. Well, there are nights where I just broke down into depression and ask the usual question of 'why is this happening to me?'. But to think of it, many great things also happened to me in the past, and how come I didn't ask 'why is all of these great things happening to me?' Everything that is sent down to me, whether it is a great thing or a disaster, is from the Almighty. Who am I to choose only the great things and fret upon the bad? I have to accept all that is given, good or bad, because I believe, in the end, everything that He sent down to me is for my own good. I just don't realize it yet. So to be fair, I just bounced. 

I am supposed to be in Denmark right now for the IFMSA General Assembly and in Hong Kong last week to do my presentation on Health Economics that I worked my ass off preparing for months. Both are burned now since my ears are busted and I can't ride a plane for some time. Well, they say that you can't always get what you want. But I will never stop trying, I will grow through this pain to be stronger and better than ever
 

Tinnnnnitus

It is one thing to lose a hearing in one ear, but it is another thing for it to be replaced by a constant ring. A stubborn ring. The more I request for silence, the louder it gets. My silence is now loud. But you know I won't give in

A Fork Stuck in the Road

I am a disabled whose scars will never heal
It is time for me to go upon a different path
The former me goes to die - which is better
Only God knows
For He has made me strong
But He makes me stronger yet

Things Are Looking Up: Thanks For The Wishes And Prayers

Dear everyone, thank you for the get well soon wishes and constant flow of visits to my ward room, especially to my parents and family members for being here most of the time. I can't express how blessed I am to have so many people who care. The past 3 days has been a true challenge, the injury took away half of my hearing, my balance and my ability to walk straight (I keep falling to the left). It takes huge amount of mind concentration to ignore the pain and ringing in my ear. Although my brain fluids (or CSF, for the medically inclined) are still leaking, the flow seems to be reducing by time. Things are getting better today, and hey, I can even write a note on FB using my BB! I am now on antibiotics to prevent infections which could be nasty if it reaches my brain. But let's just hope that won't happen.

So it has been 4 days since I've seen the sunlight. It's funny how when I am healthy I set my goals so high, contemplating the next big thing to do, but now all I want is to see the sunlight. I can only guess the weather outside from the sounds of wind or rain going through the bathroom ventilator. I wish I can just go out and appreciate the weather, but I can't walk without risking a fall, and hence risking further CSF leakage. What I want is just to see the world outside, listen to music with both my ears, and walk to anywhere I want to without risking a fall. Who cares about the sounds of Optimus Prime transforming? I just want to hear the sound of the winds. Oh, how we always take things for granted when they are in abundance. I'm not saying that we should stop setting our goals high when we're strong and healthy, it's just that we shouldn't stop appreciating the little beautiful things in life along the way and be thankful to Allah for just having all the senses to be able to do so.

I guess the same goes to our relationships with people. When we're around healthy and busy with our daily work we tend to ignore families and friends. We're just to busy to reply messages and answer calls. But when we're lying sick and helpless, they are the ones that we wish would come and visit us. Simple written words by such as 'get well soon' are appreciated most when we get them from these people, even if they can't make it to visit you. Sometimes we just prioritize the wrong people. We worry more about bad things strangers think and talk about us than the sincere advice and warnings of families and friends. We tend to please people who don't care if you are on your bed jumping, lying sick or dying than people who will do whatever it takes to help you in times of need. Why do we only appreciate the presence of our loved ones only either when we're going, or when they're gone? Oh humans, we're full of irony

But I guess the most important thing of all is to be thankful to Allah for our health or just for being alive for another day. I turned my head just in time for the force to miss my eye and hit my ear instead. What if it hit my eyes? Now that would be worse. Doctor also says I'm lucky that my facial nerves are okay. She said a patient at the clinic had a similar injury as mine, but his facial nerves are damaged, so he can't move his face muscles. You won't know even if he's smiling. Alhamdulillah my facial nerves are fine, I am still able to smile, and smile I will ;). Doctor says my balance and ability to walk straight will return in a few weeks, but she's not so sure about the hearing loss. Oh well, let's pray for the best. I hope you can pray for me too ;)

It feels so good to be writing again without bouts of vertigo. Half of my hearing may be lost, but as long as my brain can still think properly, and my hands are able to write, I will keep on writing to share the lessons of my life. Please feel free to share my writings if you feel that it could be beneficial to the people that you care. Thank you

A Great British Peace Evengelist Dies, But His War Against War Goes On

London back in December 2009 was an exciting moment for me because it has been quite some time since the last time I was there. Actually, the last time I was there, I had no memory of it at all. I was a little child. Hence, London the second time was as exciting as the first time, seeing the Big Ben, the Parliament building, the London and Tower Bridge and all. But amongst these classic medieval buildings, lush and proper, were something of peculiar. A sight to most people is ugly and out of place. Here right in front of the Parliament building, stood erected worn out tents along with worn out posters in the background, stuck on rusty metal cages. It looked like a squatter ground to me. It is definitely out of place, and is definitely a curious sight. However, I couldn’t entertain my curiosity for long since I have a lot to see. I dismissed it as a rather typical rally, and just moved on

Then I was in London again near the end of 2010, and, to my surprise, the exact same squatter ground is still there. But I was passing by the Parliament Square in a taxi, so again, I could not satisfy my curiosity. This is not just a rally, I thought. From the inside of the taxi, I read out the words from the posters. Luckily the traffic was congested, enabling me to read (but not so lucky enough because me and my friend missed our bus to Cardiff and burnt our tickets). But at least I managed to observe the posters. They were all about anti-war: ‘Stop invasion in Iraq’, ‘Stop killing our kids’, ‘Tony B-liar’ and many more interesting posters. Among these tent and poster, were a man, looking like a squatter himself, untidy, unkempt and giving an impression of a madman, sitting on a chair, loudhailer on his hand, preaching something. I couldn’t make out what he was saying from the inside of the taxi I am in, but from his ferocious expression, I could tell it is something he is so passionate to talk about.

Last week I was in London again, and I was not too surprised to see the squatter ground again. All I could wonder was ‘Why didn’t these powerful people in this Parliament building in front remove these unsightly squatter ground?’ If it were in my country, I guess all this rally would be gone within hours thanks to FRUs, tear gases and water pressures. However, there was something missing on that ground that day. No longer there was the man on the fold up chair with his loudhailer. Perhaps he went to do things people do daily, you know, meet up with friends, buy some stuff, get something to eat. However, having spent a week in these British hospitals, it suddenly crossed my mind that he might be sick, lying somewhere inside a hospital

Today, as I was flipping through the newspaper, looking for new stories about the National Health Service plans, I found a story which satisfies my curiosity I have been having for years, but somehow saddens me at the same time. The man with the loudhailer on the fold-up chair in Parliament square has just died. Judging from his unkempt, unwashed look, I never thought he was such an important figure of free speech here in Britain, but now his death is all over the news, and I finally get to know his name: Brian Haw.

I learned that Brian Haw has been living inside the tents at the Parliament Square since 2001. It has been a decade, and he never moved. Every single day he preached to the passers-by about the damage of war, about how the invasion of Iraq killed thousands of innocents, how Tony Blair (or Tony B-liar, as he called the ex-Prime Minister) is killing their own children by sending them to war. His preaching involves topic about different issues in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Libya and other countries but all of them has the same theme: Say no to war. Most of the issues he’s passionate about are about Muslim counties, and he is an evangelical Christian. He has a hat full of badges that he proudly wears every day. One of the big ones read: Keep my Muslim neighbours safe. He does preach to passers-by about living a more Christian lives, but his message of peace resounds to all and are hard not to be accepted by people of all beliefs. I believe that is what religions is all about: Peace, and Mr Haw really lives it by going against war. But now he died at the age of 62, and judging from the news, Britain has lost its key figure in free-speech.

It is amazing to me how he stayed and survived in that tent for a decade, but I believe when you are fighting for a cause that you are really passionate about, you will have this mysterious, super-human like strength to go on. I admire his noble cause, sacrificing a pleasant life to fight for people he didn’t even know, people who has different beliefs, and people who he has nothing to benefit from. I admire his ability to look differences, beyond nationality, race or religions, and fight injustice no matter towards whom. How many of us who has the same belief as the victims of war, but are ignorant about it? It is a shame that someone who has nothing to do are better at protecting the rights of war victims.

The more Mr Haw shouted through his loudhailer, the more the politicians in the Parliament building in front wanted to move him away. But they never did, even after a decade. That interests me. Parliament square is a historic place, a public place for tourists, and Mr. Haw being there created a lot of noise through his loudhailer. A nuisance, to many. But there he stood for years. I wonder if he has some connections, or the government here are open to free-speakers. I could imagine what would have happen if someone made a camp in front of the Parliament building in my country. It would be moved away in minutes using every methods available to the FRUs. Tear gasses, water pressures, etc. Much about corruption in the government Mr Haw has revealed, but the government let him be.

Most government in this world are corrupt, but not many governments are brave enough to let people talk about that corruption. Just a thought to take home. Peace

Mr Brian Haw
His grounds in Parliament Square