If Malaysians Rule The World

Got this idea while nearly dozing off in a 'hubungan etnik' class last Saturday. The lecturer talked about Westernization, and this idea came to me: What if Malaysians rule the world, what would 'Malaysianization' sound like? Here's a sneak peek:

OLD TOWN WHITE COFFEE, BROADWAY, NEW YORK

(The door opens)

Bartender: Welcome to Old Town! What can I get you?

John: Hazelnut white coffee for me…and you?

Jessica: I’ll just have the original white coffee

Bartender: Aite, that’s it? Have a seat, will serve u

John: Great, thanks man!

(John and Jessica took a seat by the window. Outside, it is snowing)

John: Sure is cold outside, nothing like a good cup of hot white coffee!

Jessica: Totally! Thank God we have Old Town at our place. Heard they ain’t got any down in Florida

John: For real? Well that sucks. But ever since Old Town got in here, every other shop’s turning into a café now. Put up weird names too: Starbucks, Coffee Bean, and Gloria Jeans? Can you believe it? I mean, c’mon, who the hell would put up their own name up for a café? If it's Haji Tapah it'd sound cool...but Gloria Jeans??

Jessica: Yeah, well, but I’m sure it’s a long way to go before they can catch up with Old Town. I’ve tried their coffee. Nothing like white coffee…like they’re making white coffee using tea leaves

John: Guess we’ll stick to Old Town for now. Speaking of the weather, have you’ve seen our friends’ photo on Facebook? Those studying overseas…in Malaysia?

Jessica: Hell yeah, God, I’m so jealous of them! There it’s like summer every day, and here we are, stuck in this frickin’cold weather with our cars sinkin‘ in the snow

John: Yeah, I know. Sucks to be us. Why didn’t you study there again? I thought you were on top of your class?

Jessica: Yeah I nailed 2400 for my SAT, 4.00 GPA, 34 for MCATS, and got pending offer for a scholarship to National University of Malaysia, but…

John: Shit, National University of Malaysia…like the ones in the movies?

Jessica: Yeah, like in the movies…anyway, my mom wouldn’t let me go there. You know how Republican she is. Just because Bush didn’t like Mahathir, she has this delusion that the old Harvard school is better than any university in the world. The joint’s 100 years older than this country, for God’s sake!

John: Dang, what a waste! Should have given me your scholarship!

Jessica: Yeah, oh well, it’s kinda hard to enter Malaysia nowadays. We have to apply for VISA now. The government found out that many US citizens overstayed there after finishing their studies

John: Haha, of course, who doesn’t want to? We get better pay there, the job’s secure, and we don’t have to pay a single cent for healthcare services! Geez, I wonder when that Obama will finally walk his healthcare reform talk. It has been years.

Jessica: Hm, oh by the way think I’m gonna visit Malaysia next year.

John: For real? Dang, can I come along please, please, pleaseee? I wanna see their 100 storey mega tower!

Jessica: Where do you live John, in a cave? Don't you ever read MalaysiaKini? Now they're not even sure if they're gonna build that frickin' tower. The Malaysians don't want it.

John: What the hell?! Why?

Jessica: Hell do I know, guess they already got too much towers.

John: Bloody rich country...

Jessica: Yeah. They rule the economy. Anyway, I’m starting to learn Manglish slang now

John: Give me a preview

Jessica: Well, okay: Aiya John, if you want to follow me to Malaysia ah…you got to learn to speak Manglish you knooow? So, how do I sound? Good or not? Goood rite? I know it’s good maa!

John: Holy shit, u sound exactly like Phua Chu Kang’s wife!

Jessica: Phua Chu Kang’s Singaporean

John: Yeah, whatever, they sound the same

Jessica: It seems like everybody’s putting on a fake Manglish accent around here. It’s true what our 'Ethnic Relations' lecturer said. The kids nowadays are so influenced by Malaysians. They’re ‘Malaysianized’.

John: Yeah, they waste their money and time at tanning saloons and beaches to get their fake tan. Color their hair black, putting on dark contact lenses. Geez, what’s wrong with these young people?

Jessica: I don’t know. People just don’t appreciate our own culture anymore. The country singer’s are losing their popularity. Like, who listens to Hannah Montana or Taylor Swift anymore? Even Lady Gaga's extreme attention seeking behavior didn't take our kids' eyes off Maya Karin

John: Yeah, kids these days. All they know is Zee Avi, Yuna, Nana, Mawi, Aizat. Oh, and have you heard that Colbie O’Donnis made a duet with Mizz Nina?

Jessica: Whaaat? Colbie O’Donnis with Mizz frickin' Nina? How the hell did they get him to sing with her?

John: I don’t know, they must have pulled some strings

Jessica: Oh geez

(Awkward silence)

Jessica: Think we should get moving. You know your cheap 'General Motors which went bankrupt' car can’t last for long in the snow

John: Yeah, let’s go. Dang, how I wish I have a Proton Inspira!

END

I know this is far from the reality, but come on man, let's love our country, yeah!