Living The Moment

Many people asked me shouldn't I be a specialist first, learn hospital management, business and management or something to run Hospitals Beyond Boundaries? Oh well, if I spend all my time studying to be ready, I will never stop studying, and I will never start. A good idea evolves over a long time period. It is important to start while you are young and have the energy to execute. Many people are so afraid of making mistakes, they become paralyzed. But it is necessary to learn from mistakes. Contrary to learning theory from books, you can never forget the experience and pain of a mistake. There is no mistake you cannot recover from except if it kills you. I am doing something that I really care about, something I have passion in, something I love. For me, that is more worth it than a bunch of degrees and certificates hung on the wall. I've had some tough times convincing people about my idea, but then it occurred to me: If they don't like my idea, I never have to see these people again

Of Simplicity and Detachment

I think the best thing I learned these couple of years is to live a life of simplicity and detachment. Many associate detachments with apathy, detached of emotions and meaningful relationships with other people: being a robot. But actually detachment and apathy are very different things. I think it was through the words of dead Ottoman Muslim poets I discovered in Istanbul that I learn the true concept of detachment.

Detachment is being detached from the consequences of your thorough choices, from things that make you feel negative or sad, detachment from materialistic things in life that you must have in order to make you feel good everyday, or from the things that a person mistakenly say or do instead of the person itself. It is about letting go of utter control and feel okay with it.

Being detached, you will have peace of mind knowing that what is meant for you will come to you, and what is not meant for you will pass. When you are free of attachments, it gives you freedom and courage to venture out into the world, travel far and wide to see the world in search of meaning and marvel in the creation of the Creator. You will know that you will have nothing to lose with travelling. All the money you spent is replaced with experiences that stretch your mind wide, that it is impossible to return it to its original narrow dimensions.

Being detached, you will love and appreciate the people around you better. You love someone with no strings attached, not because of what the person has, what the person says or do, or what the person looks like. Attachment towards a person will only make you weak, you are hurt by the slightest negative remark, you become overly sensitive and you would stop loving someone just because the person said the wrong things in the heat of emotions. You will learn to love unselfishly.

For me detachment has a lot to do with simplicity, because when you live simply, you are not attached to many things. I have always been a devotee of simplicity, a minimalist. I am a minimalist in arts & designs that I like simple, sharp angled and crisp things. I like things that are simple but refined, like a piece of square block that looks insanely simple from afar but look closer and you see chiseled carvings that has a story to tell. It gives meaning. I clean and organize my room regularly and I found out it is a good way of avoiding your mind turning into a mess.I like to travel simply and lightly, so I don’t have to worry about having to stay in the smallest spaces for the night, worry about my belongings getting lost or having to move my luggage frequently from one place to another. 

Living simply does not diminish anything. The only things you diminish are clutters and rubbish in life, that in the end leaves more space to fill in things that has meaning. Heavy baggage, either physical or emotional, drains you. So live a simple and detached life, clear out all the physical and emotional clutter. You will feel happier, lighter, more creative, more energized, and you will realize sooner or later that your life becomes more fun!

I Have a Cricket Living in My Ears

Tinnitus/tin·ni·tus /ˈtinitəs/ : Ringing/buzzing in the ears; may cause depression and insomnia

The night I got it will never be erased from my mind. The thud, the pain, the sound in my ears as if someone opened a window as a plane was flying. Like all the air around me are sucked into my ears. Maybe that is why I find it hard to breath. Then the vertigo came, the world went spinning. I fell to the ground. But I felt as if I never landed. I was free falling. I was lying flat on the ground but the world kept spinning and I kept falling. At that time, I wish all of this is a dream. I waited for the moment to wake up. Please wake up, please wake, please wake me up. But I didn’t. Instead, I have to pull myself up and walked to the nearest checkpoint. Everybody else was still too busy playing the stupid war game. The ‘enemy’ must be happy that they shot me a plastic bag full of flour water right to my head during their ambush. What they didn’t know is that it changed the trajectory of my life for good.

To think of it, it is amazing how this small organ, the ear with all its parts, outer, middle and inner, can perform such a vital function that when it is damaged, a person could not hear, walk or feel the ground. The person who threw the bag of flour water must have done it with a very full force. Not only my ear drums are busted, the high speed energy must have driven the bones in the middle ear right into the inner ear through the oval window, so hard that the brain fluids began leaking out through the cochlear. I called my parents. I might be very lucky that my dad happens to be an ENT surgeon. At that time I didn’t know the extent of my injury. All I knew is that it is freaking painful. The eardrums being the most sensitive organ in the human body to pain, I might scale the pain 11/10. I could not sit still in the clinic until they gave me that jab of painkiller. My dad told me that eardrum perforation is common and it will heal in time. It got me relieved, and I went back to the hostel. Meanwhile, fluids are still coming out of my ear, dismissing it as flour water from the plastic bag.

I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep well with the eerie sound in my ears. It woke me up every hour. It was then that I noticed it. On my pillow, the fluid that soaks my pillow made the wet area look peculiar. Then I remember it: the ‘halo sign’ of CSF. I still remember my Professor’s words: In a head injury, always ask if you feel a dripping sensation on the back of the throat, and if the fluid drips out of the nose, test it in a white cloth for ‘halo sign’, which indicates the fluid is from the brain. “This is exactly how it looks!” I thought. I freaked out and called my dad again. I told him that I can feel the fluid pulsating out of my ears. Being a surgeon, he said this calmly but with a sense of urgency: “get back to UKM Hospital as soon as possible”.

It was in the middle of the night. I woke up one of the facilitators, telling him how severe the condition is. He straight away drove me back to Kuala Lumpur from Janda Baik. If my dad was not an ENT surgeon, if I hadn’t remember the lesson about the ‘halo sign’, I might just dismiss the fluids coming out from my ears as a normal physiological response of my ear to clear up flour water in my ears. Like how I sneeze and my nose become watery when there is too much dust.

I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. It was a harrowing experience. I can only stay still. If I walk, I fall. I couldn’t walk straight. My balance organ is damaged. I could only pray to Allah that this damage is not permanent. At that time, I don’t care about the hearing lost in my left ear and the newfound sound that won’t leave me alone 24 hours a day. I only start to care when I turn on my iPod and listened to it using my left ear. It sounded exactly like a broken radio. I can only hear some frequencies of sound but not another. Losing my ability to hear clearly left me devastated. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t hear properly, and there is this weird sound that has always been with me since that night. In the wards, they gave me antibiotic cover every day to prevent my brain from getting infected through the leak in my ears. There was a very high possibility, with the flour water in the plastic bag kept for days. There is no questioning what type of bacteria is in it.

After nearly two weeks, I was discharged home, but I still have to take antibiotics. I still could not walk straight, but it is improving day by day, which was a good sign. I read that when the balance organ in one side of the ear is damaged, the other ear will adapt and tilt the balance to normal again. How powerful is Allah’s creation! But the effect does not remain physical. Emotionally, I was torn to pieces. If there was a point in my life where I someone to take care of me most, that was the point. I am glad that my families and friends gave me a visit. My parents were always there, but everyone has to go to work in the end. I have no one who I can talk to any time that I needed to.

I became depressed. A few weeks later after my balance has returned, I decided to return to class. Some lecturers suggested me to skip the whole posting and repeat the posting after exam along with the students who had fail. But I am not the kind of person who gives up easily. I skipped 2 weeks of Opthalmology and came back into Anaesthesiology posting. Because I skipped the 2 weeks, I still have to complete the tasks in my log book, do case write ups and sit for mini-CEX. So from morning until 3 or 4 pm, I was in the operating theatre for anaesthesiology. 4 to 6 pm, I went to the Opthalmology clinic to finish my log book with the patients that are left (clinic ends at 5). I was basically doing 2 postings in one. I survived. I completed my log book, passed my mini-CEX and did my case write ups.

It didn’t came without repercussions. The full day I had distracted me from the trauma, the tinnitus and the remnant sense on imbalance. But at night, when it is silent and I am alone. The world became a dark place to live in. I am usually a reserved person when it comes to my emotional thoughts. When I am depressed, all I need is to remain silent and withdraw into my cave of silence. Have a good night sleep. This time around, silence only exaggerates the ringing in my ears. I couldn’t sleep. How can I handle this suffering? This went on for weeks. I withdrew from society; I deleted all my existence on the internet, deactivated my Facebook, and live in seclusion. I pushed everyone away, even people who were close to me. I became over-sensitive and would lash out at the slightest thing. My friends told me that I am not myself anymore.

I am very good at hiding my feelings. When I go to the clinics, I put on fake smile and lived life as usual. I survived the first few months, until I came into psychiatry posting. We were at the clinic, and I was putting on my best face, knowing it worked well. But in the psychiatry clinic, it didn’t. Psychiatrists are trained to read people’s thought through their demeanour and body language. When the clinic ended, the Psychiatrist Professor asked me to stay back. It was amazing how she sensed something was wrong with me. When I told her about everything that happened, she was not surprised. She knew I went through something traumatic. She could see it in my eyes. She even offered me for short course of medications but I refused. Then we started talking about behaviour therapy. I told her I shut out everybody and lived like an anti-social. I told her I was off the internet, and never made an effort to reply every concerned friends on Facebook. She told me it was a wrong thing to do, and at times like these, I was in need of social support from my friends the most.

I received the news after a few follow-ups at the ENT clinic that my partial hearing loss is permanent, and so is the tinnitus in my ears. Most people would be devastated to learn about this permanent damage, but the only thing that got me through is that my balance has returned. I can walk straight. I can run! The months that follow was life-changing. When I sleep, I have to turn on tinnitus masking sounds on my laptop. It helped with the tinnitus. I kept myself busy to distract me from the noise.

Tinnitus has stayed with me from that night right until this moment. It has nearly been 2 years. I now take it as an indicator. Tinnitus gets louder when I am stressed, fatigued or at times of heightened emotion. I used it to remind myself to lay back when stressed, rest when fatigue, and be patient when I am about to get angry. Tinnitus serves as a reminder for me that I survived the worst, that I can walk and run without feeling that my feet are not on the ground. Tinnitus sounds like a cricket in my ears. So when I am in the middle of a hectic day, when I feel too worn out, I take time to listen to that cricket and remind myself that it is better to be busy doing something useful rather than lying around helpless, like how I was when I was admitted.

What happened has changed me, and changed the trajectory of my life. It was as if I was given a second chance at life. I appreciate every moment, and have become much more patient with people. I take time to listen. I thought that my life is too short to be miserable. There was a possibility that I die if I keep on dismissing the fluids as a normal ear response and catch infection to my brain. I swore to do good on earth realizing that life is too short. I might not have started my charity NGO in my final year if not of what happened. Without a traumatic event, there is no motivation for me to start building a hospital for the poor as a medical student. I will still be caught up in the idea that I have to fulfil all my degrees, be a specialist and stable before embarking on a journey to save others. My tinnitus taught me to say ‘Screw that, life is short. I’m doing it now!’. My tinnitus is like a magical cricket in Disney. What’s his name again? Jimney? He’s always there to remind me things get bad. It serves me some kind of comfort knowing that he’ll be there until I lie on my deathbed.

Being Human Beings

In the beginning, the Almighty created the heavens and earth. Then he sent humans down to earth and puts our souls into our bodies which represent ourselves in this physical world.

Encased safely in the dark space of our skull He created 3 pounds of mushy white and gray matter we refer to the brain. It receives every stimulus from this physical world, interprets them, and enables us to understand this world that He has created. He also bestows our brains with the ability to imagine things. With persistence, anything that our brain can imagine is able to be done the real world. With the ability to think, unlike animals, he blessed humans with the ability to change a part of this world He created. By commanding our body to respond to the stimulus from the physical world, we change it in some way or another.

The brain functions best when it feels excitement, joy and happiness through love, giving and gratitude towards Him, and then to other human beings: our family, our friends, and our community. When our brains functions at its best, the world changes harmoniously with our thoughts and action.

But sometimes, He sent down stimulus from the outside world that hampers our brains from performing the best functions. These are tests from Him. They come in the form of words or physical harm from others. Physical harm can hurt us, break our bones, but as long as it doesn't cause death or damage our brain, the best of us will heal in time and get back to changing a part of the world. It is true that ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’.

Harsh words, on the other hand, has the potential to damage our brain, but since these words only enters our brain in form of impulses, we have the ability to interpret, understand and react to them in our own choice. We can choose the best way to interpret things that does least harm by taking those words positively, and react in a way that maintains the brain's ability to think rationally and still perform its function to imagine and do things that change the world. Whatever happens outside in the physical world, as long as it doesn't damage the brain, nothing can stop us from changing the world, or a part of it.

As long as we are capable to do things, to imagine, to love, laugh, give and be thankful, nothing can harm us without our consent. After all, our body is only our physical representation in this world and therefore it is temporary. In the end, we leave this physical body of ours when the brain ceases to function. Our soul returns to lie with Him, and this world does not matter anymore. So think of it, there really is nothing to lose if we try.

Cook All Your Worries!

Great courage comes not from feeling great while everything goes well. The greatest of courage comes when you feel great despite constantly being tested or running through a complicated situation. What is courage if we do nothing much to test it? It is the ability to cultivate a mind that stays calm in the middle of the storm which is much coveted by those who wish to become great. While so many things are running through the mind, many imagine the worst thing that could happen. However, have you noticed that most of the things that you worry about in the past didn’t actually happen? Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere. All worry does is elicit unpleasant emotions and hinders you from truly enjoying the present moment. The future is uncertain, so live in the present, live the moment as it occurs to you. Take control of your worry and feelings, because if you don’t, it is possible to go sightseeing in Paris and still be depressed. Take control and you might feel happy just walking through your home garden.

I am not suggesting you to ignore all the troubles that might be looming in the future. I am just asking you not to ruminate about it again and again in your conscious mind. Put it in the back of your mind and solve it when the time comes. I have no experience in cooking, but I know that there is such term as ‘slow-cooking’ using the oven. I have observed chefs in cooking channels put some of their stuff in the oven, let it slow cook and sort of forget about it for a while until the time where the timer comes off. While waiting, the chef would tend to other things that needs present attention like cutting and frying. Uncertain problems that might occur in the future, instead of being tended to as in frying, should be let in the oven to ‘slow-cook’, while the current things in the present should be attended with your attention. It is not ignoring, it is putting in the back of your mind and live your daily life paying attention to the present. If it helps, put it on a note to remind you, and let it be. You are not procrastinating but letting time find solutions to your problems. You will be surprised that as you live your day, solutions will come from the most unexpected sources. The great thing about putting it in the back of your mind or your ‘oven’ is that the problems or issues will slow cook and by the time you get it out, it is cooked, or you might already have the solution to the problems.

Weird analogy, I know. Especially from a person like me who doesn’t cook. But that’s what got into my mind as I watched cooking channels. So, cook all your worries, and live your life in the present!

On Expectations

Most of the time, we are bogged down with the expectation of others, held back from achieving great things in life because the fear of 'what will people say' or 'how would people respond to what I say or do?' Making a decision is not a popularity contest. Decide to do the right thing, not necessarily the the most popular thing. I have learned the hard way that as long as you know that you are in the right, it does not really matter what people say or how people respond. Those are actually their problem, not yours

Dealing with Difficult Days

Humans brains are capable of adapting to almost anything. Expose yourself to hectic days and learn to deal with difficult people long enough...and soon you'll find yourself living through a hectic day and dealing with such people with a breeze, you can say "What? You call today hectic??'' or ''You call yourself difficult?? Puh-leeeze''

But don't forget to have enough rest and sleep. Our brain organizes the memories of all the lessons we've learned for the day while we're sleeping. Without enough rest and sleep, we break down. My secret to not breaking down is coffee and sleep. While I don't sleep I drink coffee, and while I don't drink coffee I sleep

Belief

"Belief is a state of mind in which trust or confidence is placed
in some person or thing"

I’ve always wondered, do we really live in the physical world we call reality, or do we live in a world we create ourselves, right inside our craniums? If we really live in the physical world, why don’t our actions reflect reality? I have observed that most of the actions we do are based on what we believe. Seeing is believing, but we rarely disbelieve things that we don’t see. Do you not believe in air?

A child, when told there’s a monster in the cupboard will start believing in it. All the child’s action will be based on that belief, no matter how mommy tells the child that monsters doesn’t exist. The child becomes scared, anxious and will have trouble sleeping. It is as if once the belief has been implanted inside the mind, it intensifies and sticks, almost impossible to eradicate. The reality is that there is no monster inside the cupboard, but the child’s action is not based on reality. It is based on what he believes. Only when one day the child has grown up to realize that monsters don’t exist, and stop believing that there are monsters in the cupboard. I call this ‘the awakening’. The awakening is a sudden moment when your belief shifts. It could be a change into a belief that reflects more of reality, but it could also be the opposite.

Let’s take it to a more grown-up context. What if there is someone you hated somebody so much you wanted to kill him. Then somebody told you, you don’t have to kill him, he’s already been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Then he goes on to tell you that he was acting so annoying lately because of his cancer, he was distressed. Then you’re attitude towards the guy you hated changes. You believe you understand his sufferings. Your actions will be based on that belief. You will start treating him better, and probably forgive him for whatever annoying things he had done. But what if what your friend told you was a lie? The guy’s perfectly healthy, but in your mind he’s not. Without knowing the reality, your actions are based solely on what you believe. You treat him as if he’s dying. But isn’t it better and less stressful to feel compassion towards the guy anyway? Him having the disease or not?

Our brain is a goal-seeking organ. Once it believes in something, when a belief is deeply seated inside the mind, it will move our muscles, makes us tick, and we go towards the things that we seek. Things that we believe in. If we believe that we can, we can. People whose belief is firm and strong, when the world contradicts their belief, they seek not to change their belief. They seek to change the world

Sunrise, sunrise!

I've discovered that best time to do yesterday's hardest things that you decide to put off until today is early in the morning. When last night it seemed like a huge, highly challenging task, in the morning, it seemed a lot less. Same work, different time, different perception, different results. Isn't human psychology weird? But that's how it works.

Think of your days as an ascend on a hot air balloon with yourself and weights on it. It'd be wise to throw down the heaviest weights early during the flight. Makes sense, doesn't it? The earlier you get rid if the heavy weights, the lighter your journey will be. Same as the heavy tasks you hold in your to-do lists. Get rid of them earlier, and the easier your day will be. Some people put off the biggest tasks for the last. Hoping it will suddenly disappear or seem lighter at the end of the day. Well I'm here to say it rarely will!

So do your biggest tasks in the morning. There's something magical about the morning, don't you think? I think everyone loves the morning, it's the starting of a brand new day. No matter how miserable yesterday might seem, today we can start the day with happiness. It's scientifically true. The morning is where your cortisol (a.k.a your 'stress hormones') stays at its lowest levels of the day, and even light exercises can boost your endogenous endorphins a.k.a your happy hormones (source: http://www.ca-medicalnews.com/tag/endorphin). So wake up early, do a little stretching, enjoy the sunrise, (if you're a big fan of coffee like me, enjoy a shot of espresso too!) and go get those hardest works done!

Here's a song by Norah Jones called 'Sunrise' which is a great song to enjoy your morning with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb_a0K01t2Q

Typical Sunday morning at my balcony. In this picture: (from top to bottom) Morning sky, majestic mountain, intense coffee, superb spaghetti. Not in this photo: The sun rising, the sound of river flowing down below, windy weather, me singing along to 'Sunrise' by Norah Jones.

Life is too short to be miserable

I read about an interesting research where they do a cohort study of 2 groups of people: One group of people won major lotteries of 1 million dollars. Another group of people got themselves walking disabilities, be it through road accidents or paralysis. They were asked "How do you feel" on the first day they won the lottery / got the walking disabilties. The answer? Yup, you guessed it: The lottery group responded with much happiness, gladness, almost manic euphoria. The disabled group responded with much sorrow, regret, almost major depressive.

A million dollars!

After 6 months, they were asked the same questions again. The answers were surprising, since more than 80% of them answerd more or less the same: "I feel fine". That's it? Fine? What happened to the manic euphoria and major depression? You won 1 million dollars and end up feeling the same as someone who lost their leg? So people, I think after a while, we adapt to EVERYTHING. Be it a million dollars or a disability. So in the long term, circumstances don't really determine your feeling. So, why not ditch that sorrow and be happy with what you have for a change? Of course, we do need to go for the best. What kinda idiot would refuse a million dollars because he'd feel the same in 6 months anyway? What I'm trying to say is: Strive for the best, but if you didn't get it after your hard efforts...he happy with what you have =)

Take time to unwind

Back to Bandung after only a week of holiday. But no matter how short my time spent home, it always gets me kick-started again upon returning to student life. Last night I sat alone at a café in KLCC to think. Just thinking. I thought back about all the difficulties I faced before the holidays and thought "well, that wasn't too hard". But if there's time machine of some sort where I can go back to meet myself before the holidays and tell myself "Hey Opie, I think what you're facing ain't such a big deal". Then the past me will definitely punch the present me right in the nose, with no regards that my nose will be swollen in the future as if it wasn't swollen as it is.

Starbucks, KLCC

Our state of mind determines our actions. When we're happy, at peace, we tend to think clearly, looking at problems as opportunity instead of burdens. The answer to the problems will also come easily, and sometimes from unexpected sources. That's why we all need breaks once in a while. When we're constantly bombarded by challenges and difficulties, we'd get too stressed up to open ourselves to opportunities, which, could be the problem solver. How many times have you heard people remembering where they misplaced a lost key, or finding the answer to a complicated question, right after calming down their minds? I've heard it many times before. It's not the key is stolen, or the question is really complicated...it's our mind that gets too complicated to think!

I am a Crayon

This is not a story about fishes or grasshoppers. Nor is it about kings or pirates. This is a story about a crayon. Yes, the ones we use in kindergarten to add color to our lives (In primary school we used to write autobiographic essays, like: I am a pencil or I am a basket. This is my attempt to re-write those kinds of essays):

Crayons!

I am a crayon. I am short, I am blunt. When you use me, my smell will stick on your fingers. Your hands can get messy. You won’t probably like me, but my owner do. Well…at least he used to.

My owner used to go to kindergarten, and he would bring me along each day. He used me to draw pictures and add colors to it. He has a very good imagination, and he has such strong passion that he could draw and color all day long. It’s hard for him to contain all his imaginations inside his 6-year old head, but with my help, he could pour it all out on paper. He would draw pictures of his whole family, show it to his mom and dad and it made them smile. It made him smile. It made me smile. That’s when I feel most purposeful. Those were the times of my life

One day, he learned to write, and used me to write down the words he learned. Day by day, his writing improved, he learned more and more words. I was happier than ever for being able to help. I was very proud of him. But one day, as I sat in the drawer where I was kept, a newcomer came in. Wrapped in a neat box reading ‘2B Pencils’, I wonder where this newcomer came from.

“Those are Pencils” Paper told me. “They’re used to write too, you know?

“Wait, why does he need Pencils when he can just use me?”

“Well…You’ll see soon enough”

I wasn’t too worried at first. We have spent so much time together. No newcomer can shake that. But little I know that I was soon to be replaced. As days passed by, I was taken out less and less frequently. He didn’t bring me to kindergarten anymore.

“Kindergarten? No, he goes to school now”, Pencil told me one day.

“He used me to write down notes, you know, and during art class, he would sketch with me. It was really fun!”

“Wow! What’s a sketch?” I asked.

“It’s hard to explain, he said. Here, look for yourself”

Paper showed me the sketches. It was very beautiful. My owner used to draw houses, trees or cars with me, but this sketch was a whole different thing. ‘Now I know why I haven’t been taken out lately, maybe if I could draw like pencil, he would take me out to school too!’ I thought. I hear Pencil brag about his time with my owner. He tells stories about exams, arts, about mathematics. I grew jealous of him each day. So I practiced sketching everyday, but it proved fruitless. Then I turned to writing. I tried to write like pencil: sharp and crisp, but still I couldn’t. My writings were messy.

I was so disappointed, but I still waited for my owner to take me out again, but he never did. It has been months since I’ve seen the daylight. Until one day, I finally gave up and went into seclusion. I spent my time in a dark corner, reminiscing my good old days. Each time I remember my owner’s smile, the smile of his mom and dad when he showed his drawing of the family, I feel happy again. Suddenly it occur to me: I don’t really want to write sharp and crisp letters, I don’t really want to sketch beautiful portraits; all I wanted is to make people happy. Trying to be a pencil ceased to make sense anymore.

One fateful day, I was taken out again. But it wasn’t my owner. I had a feeling that I was going to be thrown out. But my worries were futile...I wasn’t thrown out. It was a little girl who took me. I never knew that my owner had a baby sister! She took me, and started drawing on a piece of paper. It has been awhile since I’ve done this, but I can say I did well for my age. What’s important is that I was taken out into the world again, and make people smile, I will.

I am a crayon. I am short, I am blunt. When you use me, my smell will stick on your fingers. Your hands can get messy. You won’t probably like me, but I make little children happy, that’s what I’m good at and I’m proud of it. I used to regret being myself; I wished I was a pencil or a pen. But I am who I am. Whoever you are out there, you may have used me some point during your childhood, you may not remember me, but I am proud to make you happy back then.

Sometimes we are intimidated by other people. We’re impressed by their abilities. Like Crayon impressed over Pencil’s ability to draw and write sharp and crisp. But the heart of life is good. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Be yourself, and discover yourself. Put your strengths to good use, and never fret about your weaknesses. Some people feel that their life lacks meaning because they’re trying too hard on the wrong things, or they're simply trying too many things at once. I'm sure you've heard this before:

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape

So identify what you’re good at, focus on it, and you will be able to contribute more. With God's will, success will follow. Spend more time focusing what you do well than rather what you do wrong. When you focus on doing what you love, once you've lighten up that passion, your blood will have that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

If You Are Waiting For Tomorrow, Why Not Do It Today?

This post is dedicated to my sister, Fatin, and is inspired by her post titled Memories That Remain. Yup, Fatin is the one I wanted to eat along with fruit loops back when she was 1 =P

If you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day
That you didn’t take that extra time for
a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone, what
turned out to be their one last wish

- Norma Cornett Marek

No friend can promise you that they can still be here tomorrow. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. We keep on thinking that everything will be the same tomorrow as it is today. But the fact of life is that everybody has their own path in life, and most probably, sooner or later, you won’t be going the same way. Yet, there’s still many of us who don’t realize what a blessing it is to have your best friends around. Until suddenly, one fateful day, you realize that you have one last day to spend with them. When that day comes, everything else seems irrelevant. It doesn’t matter anymore how many arguments you won on who’s right and who’s wrong. It doesn’t matter anymore how much they owe you for buying nasi lemak when they forgot to bring their wallet. It doesn’t matter anymore who got the most ‘first place’ in class. It doesn’t matter anymore if they cheated when the teachers asked to mark their own homework.

When you know you get to spend one last day with your best friend, the only thing that remains is of the good times together. When you know it’s the last day, you can spend the time taking photos, hoping to capture your memory together one last time. But nothing compares to the memories of just eating together, coming over to each other’s house, go on camping, or riding bicycles together. Suddenly each and every moment spent with your friends, even small things, feels much more meaningful. When you’ve shared years of your life with someone, it’s not easy to let go. There’s so much for you to say, but there’s so little time, and you don’t even know where to start.

Nobody can promise you that they can still be here tomorrow. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. If today is all you get, would you still hesitate to carve a smile, to lend a hug, or to tell your friends how much they mean to you? Live each day as if it is the last chance for you to spend time with them. Spend less time frustrating the little arguments and spend more time saying ‘thank you’, ‘forgive me’ and ‘I appreciate you’ s. You’ll never know when somebody has to go. Cherish each and every moment with them, and life will seem so much more meaningful. So If you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? Because today may be all you get

p/s: Sabar ye Tin, sume bende berlaku mesti la ade sebabnye. Memang la rase sakit hati skrg, tapi nanti lame2 baru tin akan tau hikmaknye. Anyway, ingat bopie selalu pesan, 'yang penting konfiden!'. Bopie yakin tin dapat masuk MRSM gak. Yakin, tapi if tak dapat jugak jangan hampa, coz I believe wherever you are, you'll shine on for everyone!

Save the Heart, Save the World

Once I was questioned by a friend: When is the best time to change? Is it either on Maal Hijrah or on the New Year’s Eve? The friend however is a well-known-cunning-man-in-red who usually already knows the answer to the question he’s asking, and the answer is usually not even in the options he gave. Those unfamiliar to his tricks would be a victim where he would wait patiently for them to give an answer, and gleefully shout ‘salah!’ the moment they open their mouth. I’m getting all used to his trick, but I answered ‘Maal Hijrah’ anyway.

As expected, he would shout ‘salah!’, but I am too interested in his answer that I couldn’t bother that I was wrong. His answer is:

“There is no specific time for us to change; we must change the moment we intend to change”

Quite philosophical for a cunning person. Well, while I certainly agree, in my case, however, I usually have the intention to change only on Maal Hijrahs or New Year’s Eve. So well, it’s all the same.

My motto for 2009 will be: “Save the heart, save the world”. It’s a short, but meaningful motto. Saving the heart includes saving the heart heart, you know, the one that pumps blood to the whole body. Achieving this includes exercising regularly and having a wise selection of nutrition. Saving the heart also means saving the other heart, you know, the one that makes us human human. How? By seeking to understand others first before trying to be understood, by keeping promises, by resisting the urge to criticize, by spending more energy appreciating what I already have instead of wanting what I don't have, and by spending more time with those that really matter in my life (Allah S.W.T, family, close friends) =)

When both hearts are being taken care of, then I can concentrate on saving the world, which includes, spreading kindness, helping those in need, creating a greener world, standing up for what is right, and stopping villains from taking over the world!